How to make sure nobody returns to your website

A quick glance at many top websites reveals that most webmasters want their users to hate them. I compiled a list of the ways sites keep users away.

• Don't follow web standards
  If visitors can't see the site because it displays improperly, they won't view the site the first time, never mind come back! In fact, test and make sure it only works with Netscape 4.
• Break every article into several pages
  Readers won't have time to come back after clicking "Next Page" after each paragraph and waiting for it to load. Of course, don't add a "Printable Version" people can use to bypass the whole process. Better yet, only link to it from the last page.
• Don't offer an RSS feed
  Make users check the site. They will forget, and you will never see them again.
• Fill the site with advertising
  The ads must take at least 30 seconds to load on broadband. The more that are animated, the better. Make them cover most of the content. Simply ban everyone running an ad blocker.
• Make the entire site in Flash
  Don't just use Flash for games and movies. Make the entire site in Flash. Users will be annoyed that the back button won't work, it won't print, they can't bookmark certain pages of it, and it slows down their older computer. Never offer a "HTML only" version. Bonus points for making everyone watch a 15 minute intro movie before they can do anything else.
• Change your URLs often
  Rename all your pages so bookmarks will be useless for returning.

And yes, if you want a usable site, do the exact opposite. Please!